So I live in DC and we’re about to get hit with a huge snowstorm. I’m from the north east so this is nothing, but down here, people get scared. You see tons of photos of the grocery stores emptied out and unrealistic images…mainly because people like trying to get attention…even if it creates panic.
Anyways, here are 10 real and fake tips (you should not try any of the fake ones because you could get hurt, arrested, die or hurt someone else) to help you survive dealing with assholes while preparing and shopping for a snowstorm in DC. And yes, I am drinking/drunk so I won’t be editing and there will be typos.
10. The food aisles are not empty.
Learn how to use different ingredients. I went to multiple grocery stores to see if it is as bad as the photos. Yes, much of the fresh produce is gone, but international aisles are fully stocked. This is the perfect time to learn how to use a new kind of noodle for pasta, try cooking rice (you boil it,,,it’s not that hard) and to try new foods.
9. Call EVERY Chinese and Thai restaurant imaginable.
Even though the government is shut down (magically the employees our tax money pays for can still make it to the bars and snowball fights) somehow the private sector stays open and some will even deliver. Call each once the snow has started and stock up if you didn’t go to the store. Your other option is to ask if they’ll be opened during the weekend.
Mark the ones that say yes and go out to eat (as long as it’s safe). If you do make it (only if it’s safe) order extra to take home so you don’t have to go out again later. If you get delivery…tip the driver well…they’re risking their own safety so you can have a fucking dumpling.
8. Your ingredients are still at the store
I forgot to buy a few things when I was at the store shopping. Although I couldn’t find produce in the aisles (literally none) I had an idea. Go to the carts by the checkout where the employees restock shelves. Everyone (including the employees) are focused on panicking customers that they forget there is produce and awesome in demand product sitting there. I found bread, onions and everything else people were looking for.
7. Try the stocked aisles
When I was in the international aisle at Safeway today, they had tons of canned vegetables, baked beans and other things that had been almost completely emptied from the canned veggies section. Again, people are scared of new ingredients and are going for what they know…the international aisles have a lot of the products you already know or use…try it if you’re missing things.
6. Hold on I need to pour another glass of wine….don’t judge
5. Buy your wine ahead of time
The one thing that will go into shortage are good wines, liquors and cocktails…the cheap shit does tend to go faster, but the good ones are almost always gone. Starving sucks, starving sober is worse. At least the alcohol will help you pass the fuck out.
4. Go to Budget Stores for Produce
One thing I found at safeway and which are probably at Foodlion and Shoppers is that people leave the organic food alone since it costs more. I picked up delcious bell peppers and fruit today. The non organic food was 100% gone, organics had a good selection. If you go to the stores where budgets matter, the organics may still be there.
3. Fuck this, I’m drinking another
2. The Gay bars open first
If you live in DC you know it’s one of the gayest cities in the US. You also know the gays get cabin fever and go out. Luckily the gay bars almost always open when everything else is closed. Call and find out their hours and double check during the day to see when they’ll be opened. As long as it’s safe for you to get there, why the fuck not.
1. Grab The Cheaper Wine and……………
If that bitch goes for the last bottle of Duckhorn Cabarnet or the Petite Syrah by Staggs Leap, grab the cheaper Staggs Leap Chardonnay or Decoy Merlot and smack her over the head. HELL NO YOU DID NOT JUST TAKE THE LAST BOTTLE OF DUCKHORN….IT’S ON BITCH!
Ok, I’m drunk and need to go finish putting food away. Do not follow any of the bad or stupid tips above like I said in the beginning or you could end up dead, arrested or seriously hurt. If you have your own favorite tips for DC snowstorm prepping, feel free to share them below.