So one thing that is always confusing is cheating. I’m not talking about going around and sleeping with a ton of people on a regular basis, that is grounds for definitely being dumped. What I’m referring to is if you are just starting to date someone and you are sort of only seeing each other, but nobody has said that it is officially monogamous. (BTW, this is not about me and my new relationship, this is from an email from a reader who wanted to know my opinion.) The other thing I am talking about is if your partner screws up and hooks up with someone. I cannot answer for everyone or even anyone else, but if it were my relationship, here is what I would do.
Is it cheating if you are not officially together?
If you have to ask then you already know the answer. If you feel guilty that you kissed, made out or even slept with someone besides the person you are dating or seeing, you probably cheated. It means that you really like the person you are seeing and that you obviously screwed up. Think about it, if you didn’t feel guilty then you wouldn’t be asking this question. If you’re the person who is on the other side and found out the other person is hooking up with others, then it is your job to address it and make it either officially monogamous or realize that they are not the right one for you because they still want to sleep with others.
The thing about new relationships and new love is that you shouldn’t even have the desire to sleep with others. If you do then you may not have true love, but you may have short term lust which can feel like the same thing. If you hookup with someone because you were drunk and you feel guilty, then in my opinion you cheated because you did actually like the person you are dating.
If you feel guilty then talk to the person you’re dating and make it official. If you find him or her dating others and it bothers you and makes you feel like they are cheating, let them know you are ready for the next step. If you are ready to commit and they aren’t, there is no reason to put yourself through paranoia or those horrible feelings of knowing the person you like is with someone else and I would recommend you end the relationship. If for some reason they are ready in the future and you think that you can love them again, you can always give it another try.
What should I do if I cheated on my partner? What should I do if I found out my partner cheated?
This is a tricky one. Here is the answer from my perspective. If my partner cheats, I want him to call me just before it happens or right after. I want to know that he did it so that he is honest with me and if he used a condom, swallowed or did anything that could put me and my health in danger. I’m not going to dump him if he is honest with me and tells me, no matter how bad the f*ck up is, but he is definitely going to have to buy flowers, possibly jewelry and is definitely going to have to make it up with a nice dinner and tons of footrubs. It hurts to get cheated on, but if it is a one time thing and your partner is honest then forgive them, but also make them make it up to you. Now if you cheated that is another story.
The best thing for cheating in a relationship is honesty. You need to be honest and you need to tell your partner. You also need to use a condom if you can remember or get tested immediately after. You screwed up and it happens. It sucks because you hurt your partner who is someone you love, but that doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship. Be honest and tell them before they find out on their own. There is nothing worse than going home pretending nothing happened and having the person you love find out on their own. Do me and your partner a favor, call them immediately, rush home or somehow let them know. You are the one who cheated on them and you need to grow a pair and admit to doing it. It isn’t easy to do but it is the right thing to do.
I don’t agree with cheating at all. I think you should only sleep with your partner. That is why you are in a relationship. If you don’t know if you are officially monogamous, ask your partner and let them know how you feel. If you are in a relationship and you cheat, let your partner know. They may hate you for a while, but if they truly loved you and you really feel bad about it, they will eventually forgive you.