I know you all wait for this post or tweet or share each year, but I was kind of scared to post today because I just met someone and we have another date tonight and tomorrow. He also knows I blog and is going to see this one. Because of that I was going to hold off, but at the same time, he should know that I have a dark sense of humor. Because of that, here are my top ten christmas gifts and hanukah gifts for ex boyfriends. Feel free to leave your own favorite gift in the comments section.
Nix Lice Treatment Family Pack – Works On Pubic Crabs Too!
1. Nix – This is the perfect holiday gift for an ex boyfriend who has a new boyfriend. Not only does nix “work on pubic lice too”, but this is the family sized version so he’s sure to have enough for that untrimmed bush. Let’s hope his new boyfriend loves seafood because with this gift, he’ll be “itching” for a claw craker and mallet.
Redneck Wine Glass
2. The mason jar wine glass set. The holidays are the perfect time to meet the family. Just so his new boyfriend knows what he’s getting into, let him know how classy the bitch is with these fabulous and glamorous, mason jar wine glasses. The only thing better is when he puts ice in his red wine or wants it chilled.
3. Another holiday favorite, the red ex boyfriend knife holder. Perfect for a reminder of how his ex’s feel, you’ll get your message across when he opens this fun houseware on the holidays. But don’t worry, it comes in festive colors like red or silver.
4. Ugly Children Bubblegum – Remember when you would sit up and think about how cute your kids were going to be? Let his new boyfriend know about these thoughts and that you wish them nothing but the best of luck with having a cute kid by sending him ugly children bubblegum to make sure his Quasimodo bastard child will be as ugly as his soul.
Instant Mullet W/ Headband 5. If the mason jar wine glasses weren’t enough of a warning, send him this instant mullet headband. When the new boyfriend watches him throw it on and get ready to party, he’ll have a better idea of why you broke up in the first place.
Smaller Condoms – Big Protection for Small Penises – $3.99
6. I always love when he waits for the fifth date, an anniversary or special occasion to have sex for the first time. I love to make an impression and get the “balls” rolling with his new boyfriend. That’s why it’s always fun to send them enough protection for even the “smallest” chance one of them would have something.
7. Speaking of small problems, why not help him clean that one up under his lip with cold sore cream and ointment. Nothing screams no more oral like a cold sore that doesn’t go away,,,or that his new boyfriend didn’t think to look for.
Douche Bag Gum
8. If you don’t think I’m one already, then why not let him know how you really feel. Send him douche bad gum so that when he goes to freshen his breath, everyone around him will know what to expect. Not to mention that he could really use the first word on the name tag as well. Let’s face it, his breath only stinks because of all the sh*t that comes out of it so a pack of “douche” bag gum is the perfect thing to freshen his breath.
Butt Pirate – A Vanilla Scented Anal Douche – $5.99
9. This is a fun one to send him with a note for his new boyfriend to let him know that he not only needs to clean out more, but also needs something scented and flavored to make it even slightly appealing to go down there. That’s why there’s butt pirate vanilla scented and flavored anal douches.
10. If you haven’t scared the new boyfriend off yet, try this to show him how psycho you are, and after that one leaves, make him look like a psycho when his next boyfriend finds the ex-boyfriend ashes money jar sitting in the kitchen or in his house.
Those are my top ten favorite ex boyfriend gifts for christmas and hanukah. Feel free to leave your own favorite in the comments section below. Let’s also hope my date doesn’t find this post before we go out tonight lol. Thank you again for reading and feel free to share this on twitter and facebook as well. If you need a coupon for any of the stores above, leave a comment and I’ll email one to you.