(Warning, this post is meant to be funny and satyrical, not to be taken seriously. The products are real but the mentions are not the actual intent. Do not take it serious, do not follow the advice and please remember this is meant to be funny and as a joke. If you don’t have a good sense of humor, you take this serious or might actually try something, leave now and if you don’t it is 100% at your own risk.)
The best gifts to give to someone you hate
Sometime we have to give gifts to someone we hate. It’s the holidays, a birthday or an exchange at the office, or some other stupid thing where you have to buy something for someone and end up needing to spend money to buy and find a gift for someone you hate. If you end up stuck with one of these, here are ten gifts to give someone you hate that can seem nice and friendly but have completely different intentions.
1. GripandGo as seen on tv – The GripandGo as seen on tv is a stand and holder for your phone. Many of us have gotten rid of our navigation systems and now use our phones for directions when we are traveling or our cars have gps built in. The GripandGo as seen on tv gives the person a way to easily have their phone in sight so they can navigate in the other direction and get out of your life. But that isn’t the real evil intent behind giving a GripandGo as seen on tv for a gift for someone you hate. In the infomercial they comment about when your phone rings your eyes go off the road. (I do not support the use of any phone while driving. You should leave it in your pocket or purse and never take your eyes off of the road. This part is a joke and not to be taken seriously). By having the phone in front of the person’s face, when they get a text or a call, now their eyes will be pulled from the road and god forbid they get in a wreck. As long as no one gets hurt, you’ve given the person you have the gift of higher insurance, car repair and a ton of stress. That is why the GripandGo is a great gift to give someone you hate.
2. American Express gift cards – These are amazing, in theory. Give the person a real American Express card and tell them there is 50 on it. You don’t have to say what the 50 is. They may understand that the 50 is $50.00 that they could spend on whatever they want making it a perfect gift, but what you left out is that it was actually for $0.50. Not only will this make it akward and embarrasing for them at the store when they go to use it, but it will definitely get your point across that this is a gift you are giving to someone you do not like or even possibly hate. American express gift cards are the perfect gifts to give to someone you hate.
3. Designer shapewear. If you’re giving a gift in public or in front of people this is a fun one. Shapewear has gone from something that is ugly and should have been hidden under your clothes to having nice patterns, colors and designs. Now some people are wearing shapewear as part of their outfit and it can actually look nice. If you want to get a point across in a faux-friendly way, or by giving a back handed compliment, give the gift of telling the person they are overweight with a gorgeous looking piece of shapewear. The other people in the room will see a nice looking outfit and the person getting it will realize it is shapewear and potentially feel embarrassed. Shapewear is the perfect gift to give someone you hate, especially if they are fashionable or like to think they are. People will see it as being nice but the person who saw it was shapewear will know you found one of the best gifts to give to someone you hate.
4. Anything from a Taxidermy shop. Unless the person is a hunter or serial killer, these make amazing gifts. Find a cute, sweet and cuddly animal that has been stuffed and then dress it up to look even cuter so that it looks like a thoughtful gift but is really a big F You since it is a gift for someone you hate. Click this link before you buy one of these…I recommend the Pig Fetus if you really want to find one of the best gifts to give someone you hate.
5. Really in your face coffee table art books. Pick any topic from porn or sex to murders, serial killers or even very graphic but classical pieces of artwork. Regardless of what you want or come up with, they make great presents and even better gifts for someone you hate. You can find a great selection of everything from tattoos to other things here.
Altoids Liquorice Mints 6ct – $22.40
6. Mints. This is always a fun one. Buy the person candy, mints and everything peppermint. It could be gum, altoids and peppermint candy, eventually they’ll go from thinking it is sweet to realizing you are telling them they have horrible breath and smell. You could always continue to ask for a “breath” mint the rest of the day to really drive the point home that it wasn’t out of love, you gave them breath mints and mint flavored candy because it was probably the best and most pc version of a gift to give to someone you hate. If you really want to drive your point home that this is a gift to give to someone you hate, find something no one likes like black licorice flavored breath mints, now the person probably won’t even be able to use them.
7. The Ex Boyfriend Knife Holder. We all have the ex we don’t like very much that sometimes ends up dating our friends. Although it’s fine that they are happy together, you still want to get that last stab in. That is why the ex boyfriend knife holder is the perfect gift for someone you hate. You aren’t giving it to your ex so it isn’t a death threat. Instead you’re giving it to your friend who will hopefully see that it’s funny and as he has to see it at his or her house, it’ll always make him think of you and probably have a little bit of fear.
8. The Santa Claus Toilet Cover – Unlike one of my favorite gag gifts for the toilet, if you want a gift for someone you hate, you cannot go wrong with a Santa Claus Toilet cover. Tacky, ugly and plain useless, the Santa Claus toilet cover is the perfect gift for someone you hate.
9. Any musical sequel, especially Grease 2. The music is worse, the cast is worse and the lyrics are horrible. Buying something like Grease 2 is something they will have to say thank you for and will never be able to enjoy, or admit to enjoying. Grease 2 is the perfect gift for someone you hate!
10. Dianetics. Probably the best gift to give to someone you hate comes from religion. If the person feels alone, abandoned and has no friends, help them find some with Scientology and Dianetics. Not only will they get screwed out of all of their money, but they’ll be brainwashed and hopefully disappear. It would suck if they lost everything they owned, but if they join that cult and disappear somewhere, you won’t even know making it the perfect gift to give to someone you hate.